|
|
Sunday, January 21st, 2007
|
|
|
Hail ye, hail ye! Here comes Darth Floyd with another round of reportage!
Darth Floyd was idly picking her toenails a short time ago when the one known as ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) spike1972 happened to call upon Darth Floyd and ask her what her powers are.
Here is Darth Floyd's reply, as she masquerades as the weakling human female stormebringer:
Well of course it goes without saying that I am Darth Floyd and I wear all turquoise.
As to superpowers, well I'm still discovering those, but one surely involves sending laser bolts out of my fists and into the rear end of deserting boyfriends who clearly did not know what a good thing they were onto!
*sends laser bolts in the direction of South Hertfordshire*
Failing that, a fat bag of cold porridge dumped on the head usually works wonders!
So as Darth Floyd hovers above the Home Counties in the Intergalactic Attack Cruiser, take heed, feeble male humans. To cross Darth Floyd is to know the sear of the laser bolt at your behind and the chill of cold porridge over your head!
ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS EMPIRE!!!11!1!ONE!
DF.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Sunday, December 31st, 2006
|
|
|
Darth Floyd has been winging her way across the Galaxy these past few days and has seen much festive cheer along the way, although why inferior species celebrate the Christian calendar's chief festival of the year is beyond Darth Floyd's infinite and learned reasoning.
Suffice to say, Darth Floyd is not best pleased with the broad-shouldered Northern Darth who previously adorned her life like a scantily clad blue-skinned male slave. The broad-shouldered Northern Darth seems to have forgotten about Darth Floyd this night. Not a whisper of a word comes from the Port of Stock in the northern regions. Don't talk to Darth Floyd about male Darths! Male Darths only think about one thing and it doesn't involve glory, honour or flying into the fiery heart of passioned battle! *growls*
Darth Floyd came bearing gifts when she darkened the door a mere 10 minutes ago. A large chocolate boulder weighing 2 tonnes is bound to to tailgate of the Intergalactic Attack Cruiser but alas and alack, all at the abode groaned from their armchairs at the very thought of more chocolate and declined politely. They are lucky to still have all their parts attached and intact. *growls more*
Treachery was afoot this year when certain Hertfordshire parties decided enough was enough and finished his association with the Glorious Empire. Darth Floyd is even now celebrating that stormebringer is set free to pursue other tactical alliances in the name of the Glorious Empire!
And so Darth Floyd is now off down the George and Dragon to drink herself silly on Lime Bacardi Breezers and make lewd and lascivious crank calls to the Emperor from the bar.
ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS EMPIRE!!!11!1!ONE!
DF.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, December 28th, 2005
|
|
|
...And Darth Floyd just pops in and does her annual update of how her campaign to rule Planet Earth is going.
Put the kettle on, feeble human!! *helps self to a handful of Quality Street*
Of late, Darth Floyd has been embroiled in fiery battle somewhere in the Hazelnut Cluster and has spent long hours scrubbing the maple syrup off her ship, since returning to base, victorious once again!! Due to Darth Floyd's efforts, the Glorious Empire remains supreme in the known Galaxy and all toilets flushed in unison at the moment of victory against the Hazelnutters.
Rejoice!!
Suffice to say, Darth Floyd has not conquered as many counties this year and despite hoping to do so in the last eight weeks of the year - the status quo remained stable. Darth Floyd is proud to have conquered two European countries this year, and hopes to do more in the future. Darth Floyd is sorry to learn that the Chronicles of her exploits remain unpublished but hope that this will change in 2006 and that her name shall be known to all and sundry, ringing out in every hall and under every roof.
ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS EMPIRE AND ROLL ON 2006!!!11!1!ONE!
DF.
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
|
|
|
Stone the crows, THE CROWS!!!
Darth Floyd is returned once more!! With the ill behaviour, with the ill behaviour!!!!
Darth Floyd has been on a long and lengthy campaign out in the folds of the further galaxy, conquering the Planet of the Male Nymphomaniacs (Darth Floyd does not know the male equivalent of nymphomaniac, so this must suffice) and climbing the Chocolate Mountain on Mars, Mount Toblerone, which only bows down in height to Olympos Mons. Darth Floyd has gained a stone and can hardly get into her rubber catsuit right now BUT BE THAT AS IT MAY!!!
Darth Floyd is returned and gathers that her minions have conquered two whole European Countries and an extra English county!! However as Darth Floyd has been away, the counties have begun to fall back to the Rebels and so Darth Floyd is upping sticks early in the new year to lodge her camp in South Hertfordshire, where stormebringer will be able to run Darth Floyd's Administration from a more central location within Darth Floyd's acquired dominions.
Darth Floyd advises the viewer to see the maps ( under the cut. )
In 2006... Darth Floyd hopes to conquer more counties and is hopeful that she may even conquer a couple more European countries, namely France, Spain and The Republic of Ireland. But there are still eight weeks of 2005 to go and there's still time to acquire more lands before the close of the year...
|
|
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
|
|
|
Avast and belay! For Darth Floyd returns from the fiery heart of battle with glorious news! In an unexpected turn of events, Darth Floyd conquered a further 3 counties on her 2004 Christmas Campaign bringing her area of influence to an almighty 10 English Counties! This was a very unexpected turn of events for Darth Floyd does not expect to wake up in the gutter covered in sick from a night's boozing to find herself with 3 more counties under her juristiction. She also thinks it might be that Darth Floyd may have managed an 11th as Mill Hill Broadway station is in Middlesex, according to cheekyjim, Darth Floyd's rival for stormebringer's affections. However Darth Floyd cannot find Middlesex on her map so she'll just have to take cheekyjim's word for it.
IT IS SO!
Darth Floyd has further managed to keep a check on four (possibly five with Middlesex) of those counties (Hertfordshire, Greater London, Essex and Suffolk) in the Earth year 2005, by travelling back to base, shadowing stormebringer and cheekyjim's progress home on the 2nd day of the Earth Year 2005.
Darth Floyd's next step is to plant puppet governers in each of the new counties, so Darth Floyd may be away on Empire business for some time, seeking suitable, pliant candidates.
ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS EMPIRE!!!11!!1!ONE!
DF.
|
|
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Monday, December 20th, 2004
|
|
|
With the ill-behaviour! With the ill-behaviour! Darth Floyd is back once again with the renegade soundwave! She promised you a robbery! etc. etc.
Darth Floyd thinks that it's about time to wrap things up for 2004 and give a detailed briefing on her successes and victories for the year.
ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS EMPIRE!!!11!!1!ONE!
Territories Conquered: Darth Floyd asks the reader to regardez le menu.
As the reader can see, seven whole counties were successfully conquered this year! This includes the capital of England, the almighty London, although Parliament and Buckingham Palace both still need conquering as Darth Floyd was too busy seeing the sights of Oxford Street and Carnaby Street as she tailed stormebringer and cheekyjim around the capital last month.
Earthlings Assimilated:
Lamentable lack of success on this front although the Earth feline Tigger has pledged her eternal alliegiance to the Imperial Cause, which has got to count for something.
The Progress of The Chronicles of Darth Floyd:
stormebringer has made tremendous progress on this front, completing the first draft of 56,698 words and vowing to continuez in the New Year with a complete new draft and hopefully hitting her target of 70,000 words with that draft. All is possible when it comes to writing, stormebringer assures me.
Loot Acquired:
Alas, when Darth Floyd visited her treasure trove on a far distant planet recently, she was aghast to discover that some asshole had raided her treasure trove and had only left a pile of wildebeast droppings and a year's subscription to Penthouse. Darth Floyd's coffers are empty and alas, Christmas is henceforth cancelled this year.
In conclusion, a successful year, for the most part and Darth Floyd looks forward to a successful and ribald 2005!
ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS EMPIRE!!!11!1!ONE!
DF.
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Sunday, December 12th, 2004
|
|
|
stormebringer writes:
So Darth Floyd and I went Christmas shopping today.
Darth Floyd is somewhat bewildered by the whole dealy with Christmas; she's baffled by the fact that we sweat and groan and whine for the last two months of the year just to buy each other sundry gifts that we'll only bung in a cupboard and forget about two days later anyway. But she's bought into it and thus we went into Colchester and later on to the Tollgate Retail Park where we had a burger in McDonalds and a hefty chocolate milkshake each. I bought Zack-ery a construction kit and Darth Floyd bought the Emperor Andy Williams' Greatest Hits because he's a sour old soak. It was quite a laugh, we had a giggle as she parked the Intergalactic Attack Cruiser on the roof of Curry's and we threw a few choice bags of cold porridge at people passing by in the car park below.
She has a cloaking device, you see.
And we dropped a few on PC World as well. Curry's is two doors away from PC World. My consort cheekyjim rang me whilst we were in Miller Brothers, Darth Floyd was choosing a new toaster and quibbling about bread width. I had to leave her to it because her indecision was driving me mad and she came out 5 minutes later grumbling that no-one makes toasters like the people of Rigel 5. Cast iron, apparently. Open wide and take 5 mile wide widths of bread like a frog-mouth Andorian Prostitute, allegedly.
Oh well, that's what comes of having a Gemini Ascendant. Legendary indecision.
Although Darth Floyd would even quibble on that point, she claims that Aries was actually above the horizon when she was born under a bad sign.
Oh well. Whatever!
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Sunday, November 14th, 2004
|
|
|
Darth Floyd is incensed! stormebringer is leaving the domain of Suffolk and is going to abandon the Glorious Imperial Cause for the next week just to be with her consort cheekyjim! Darth Floyd is aghast!
Of course, Darth Floyd cannot allow this to happen and will be following The Great Hairy Parent's Metallic Blue Land Rover Discovery all the way to Watford, so that she can extract stormebringer from her captor and will bring her back to base forthwith.
Darth Floyd senses a powerful rival for stormebringer's allegiances, in cheekyjim.
Updates will be forthcoming.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Friday, November 12th, 2004
|
|
Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
|
|
|
OMFG!!!1!11!ONE!
Darth Floyd has been away for some weeks but now she is returned! *throws black confetti and red streamers*
Darth Floyd has been victorious in battle! Why only yesterday her ship was infested with legions of humanoid clones and she fought them all off without the use of her blaster! No, it was only her trusty laser-sword that helped her hack through the swelling torrent of red suited clones! Limbs went flying in all directions and blood spilled from every severed body like there was no tomorrow and truly, there was no tomorrow for this legion of clones, for Darth Floyd was victorious and not one survived her single-handed onslaught.
Of course, stormebringer could have been of more help, if she'd taken up Darth Floyd's blaster and not just been cowering in her chair in the cockpit, but fear not! Darth Floyd brought her might to show and forced victory where ordinarily, there might have been none. Yay n shit.
And now there is all this mess to clear up. Darth Floyd would advise the reader never to install rose pink carpets in an Intergalactic Attack Cruiser, especially if the owner is expecting to be ambushed by a bloodthirsty legion of heavily armed clones with laser-swords and no sense of smell. Darth Floyd's carpets are ruined! But Darth Floyd must now clean up, for where there is battle, there is always battle-debris scattered around the scene of fiery battle, in need of a good clearing up and so Darth Floyd must ask: could anyone lend Darth Floyd a hand? Other than the 500 that are currently lying lifeless on the floor of her cargo bay, obviously.
ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS EMPIRE!!!11!1!ONE!
DF.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Saturday, September 11th, 2004
|
|
|
Darth Floyd is afraid. VERY afraid.
stormebringer went to her cousin's child Zack's third birthday party this afternoon and was utterly enchanted with a pair of twin two year-old girls named Cleo and Alex. Her heart melted when Cleo looked up her with her solemn little brown eyes and reached for stormebringer's hand.
stormebringer seems to have become what the Earth-humans describe as "clucky".
Truthfully, stormebringer is beginning to be a little bit past it, when it comes to childbearing and Darth Floyd is cautious at the thought of stormebringer's offspring running rife, screaming around her ankles when Darth Floyd is attempting to forge battleplans ahead of flying into the fiery heart of combat. Darth Floyd may be forced to up sticks and find a new Earth homebase in which to dwell.
Darth Floyd must take action and suppress this urge in the feeble human stormebringer! The greater glory of the Empire rests upon it!
*prepares tools for emergency hysterectomy*
Fortunately, Darth Floyd studied rudimentary gynaecology at the Imperial Academy on the Great Chaotic Planet of Drotmyna, so all should be well.
ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS EMPIRE!!!11!!1!ONE!
DF.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Friday, September 10th, 2004
|
|
|
(To be sung in the native tongue of Gartan - here roughly translated!)
Oh!
I once was knee deep in lime jelly
and a veritable dishwasher of extremities it was too -
The Emperor sold me a box of Frogs
and a nightingale sang on Berkeley Square!
Oh!
The frogs were mad because they were actually toads
and had been wrongfully sold to a merchant of Venice
They demanded retribution and a bag of Fig Newtons,
a full refund and all their statutory rights remained unaffected.
Oh!
Once I had a jar of farts and they were very good farts too
they came from a moocow called baby tuckoo
who lived in a wet hole in Northern Ireland,
and we all sang along with the chorus in the Intersection!
Oh!
This song goes on into infinitum!
It will not end here unless someone jams a blaster up my nose...
Ow.
*sings like the close of a Hymn*
ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS EMPIRE!!!11!!!ONE!
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Sunday, August 15th, 2004
|
|
|
Tremble like a mewling cabbage, weak Earthlings! For Darth Floyd has returned from the fiery heart of Intergalactic battle and brings tidings of great joy! A great victory was won at Agincourt 2: The Sequel! Darth Floyd was right there in the thick of things; she saw all that transpired at first-hand and is proud to bring this report of great glory showered upon the already pretty damn Glorious Empire. And what high drama took place on the hallowed turf of the Stade de Imperial Planet when the Emperor's Best IX led by David Beckham, came out to face the Rebellion scum.
Ninety minutes of wiping the floor with the weak and lame Rebellion Scum; the boys done good as they wrung them out and dumped them in a dusty corner, humiliated and spent. A famous victory indeed! Darth Floyd is now on a quest to sign Michael Owen over to the Dark Side as well and is busy looking into suitable bribes. Darth Floyd wonders if the Emperor has a suitable concubine to spare, although she realises that she may have to settle for a skip filled with Walker's Crisps and an Economy sized pack of Persil.
ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS EMPIRE!!!11!1!ONE!
DF.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Saturday, August 14th, 2004
|
|
|
Darth Floyd has just woken from a cruel and unusual dream: her death foretold.
Darth Floyd was unable to discern her own age in this dream, but she was on a planet with purple skies and on the sandy shores of a purple sea. She was seated barefoot in the sands, the sands scrunching between her toes and she was watching all the dreamers pass her way. Darth Floyd felt a change a coming, and saw Mercury rising on the horizon, across this sea that lay out unfolded before her.
Darth Floyd looked down and found a long gaping wound diagonal on her chest, exposing her ribs and her heart. She felt her vigor slipping away. But she was not scared. No, Darth Floyd is never afraid. And then Darth Floyd knew it was time, as the sirens gathered about her head and sang like a golden host of angels as Darth Floyd laid down on the sands of this distant planet, alone...
Darth Floyd always knew she would be different; no Earth-bound demise planned for her...
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, August 12th, 2004
|
|
|
Greetings from the obscure body in the SK sector known as Earth!
Darth Floyd was making her way home to her Earth base from a particularly wearisome battle in the far reaches of the galaxy a day or so ago, when an unfortunate incident occurred.
Darth Floyd's ship was somewhat wrecked with battle damage already, and she was cruising along, idly minding her own business when some maniac side swiped her at half lightspeed and left an unfortunate dent in the starboard bow of the Intergalactic Attack Cruiser. Much fist shaking was in evidence, but Darth Floyd was careful to get the licence plate of the maniac and is now calling in a few favours at the local precinct of the Space constabulary, to identify the maniac.
Darth Floyd will have him vaporised! You see if she doesn't!
In the mean time, Darth Floyd stopped off here on Earth, to have the unsightly dent panel beaten out as well as other superficial damage being attended to. Like the long thin line which was scraped along the port side by a certain Emperor who shall remain nameless.
Asshole.
ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS EMPIRE!!!1!11!ONE!
DF.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, July 29th, 2004
|
|
|
Stand back and tremble in fear, loyal citizen of the Glorious Empire! For Darth Floyd sends tidings of great joy and glee! Whilst striding purposefully the streets of Ascension City on the planet Alpha Centauri not two days ago, Darth Floyd was passing an all-purpose footwear emporium, and was forcibly struck by the sparkling presence of a luscious pair of elegant boots displayed invitingly for all to see and for one such Darth as she to fall headlong in lust with.
With the strains of Patrick MacNee and Honor Blackman's novelty hit Kinky Boots echoing raucously in her bustling brain, she entered said boutique and swiftly snapped up said footwear before a lesser mortal could procure them. The Imperial Order of Darths has not seen such frivilous footwear in many a long year, adorning the comely feet of a young impetuous Darth such as Floyd! All hail the shiny new turquoise and white cowboy boots!
ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS EMPIRE!!!11!1!ONE!
DF.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Darth Floyd sends hale and hearty salutations from the furthest reaches of the known universe! Otherwise known as Loughborough.
For sad that is it so, but Darth Floyd has been irritatingly grounded in this dreary Midlands town for quite some endless days now, after the Intergalactic Attack Cruiser's engines failed on take-off from home base, when heading out to the Imperial Planet. Darth Floyd has been twiddling her thumbs and making elastic band balls whilst the local garage fiddles around and bodges the malfunctioning hyperdrive in the Intergalactic Attack Cruiser. Darth Floyd is missing all the glamour and fun of soaring at insane speeds into the fiery heart of battle! The Emperor is not impressed with her absence, but Darth Floyd has promised to make it up to him by trimming his herbaceous borders and eating all the coffee chocolates left in his birthday box of Milk Tray.
Darth Floyd hopes this situation does not persist and is priming her ceremonial jewelled dagger to carve field mice out of forearms if it persists for longer than she permits.
ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS EMPIRE!!!!11!1!ONE!
DF.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Darth Floyd is all chuffly.
Darth Floyd has been assisting in the chronicling of her misadventures and is proud to report that the Chronicles are coming along nicely, to the tune of 17,449 words as of this moment. However there is concern from the feeble human stormebringer, for there is uncertainty as to whether the Chronicles will reach more than 30,000 words. However the feeble human stormebringer claims that this might not be a bad thing, as she has another jaunty "work" of a similar nature and a word haul of 30,000 words which could perhaps be twinned with the Chronicles of Darth Floyd.
Darth Floyd thinks that her misadventures need to have a different title, though. Brains are being racked for a suitable boy.
"Darth Floyd in Don't Shoot The Messenger" was added this night, but this would not be a suitable title to "cover all". But whatever the title, Darth Floyd needs to be mentioned in it. Darth Floyd is the central character!
:-D
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
|
|
|
Well that was a turn up for the books.
Not only Greece of all teams winning the European Championships, but Jabez Reinhardt turning up after the last QF and sweeping Darth Floyd off her feet and into a luxuy hotel room with a Kingsize bed and jacuzzi for a week long clandestine tryst paid for on the Alliance's expense account. Champagne and rum truffles have been consumed in their pints and pounds, and lots of good hot lovin' was also had by all.
So tonight Darth Floyd is most content indeed. But tomorrow it will be back to the grind, worse luck. The Emperor has been selling miscellaneous crap and other Imperial treasures on eBay and Darth Floyd is under orders to collect up all parcels and take them to the nearest Intergalactic Post Office for swift dispatch.
*groans*
ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS EMPIRE!!!11!1!ONE!
DF.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
triumphant!.
pleased.
worried.
crazy.
content.